What if I’m actually crazy? 

What I classify as my ‘biggest fear’ changes pretty frequently; nuclear war, terminal illness etc but every so often I go back to a few of my personal favourites (note: not something that I actual favor) today it’s just plain and simple going crazy. 

Everyone has a little crazy in them right? But I’m talking stark raving mad, ending up in an institution not knowing who I am anymore crazy. 

Today for example I had too much sugar/caffeine so now I’m all jittery, I have no reason to be anxious but the very feeling of being anxious as a result of the poor food choices makes me more anxious. So I start out feeling jittery then I start feeling anxious and wondering why I’m feeling this way. I know why, but you know logic doesn’t apply to mental illness. So anyway,  I start wondering ‘this isn’t normal,’ ‘why can’t I just ignore this feeling?’ And ‘a normal person would just ignore this and move on, so what if I I’m actually on the verge of losing the plot?’ Things start to snowball from there. Is this me going crazy right now? Do crazy people know they’re crazy? I know I’m probably not and that I just spend too much time alone with my thoughts allowing them to wander. I need to start running or some shit to clear that over imaginative space in my head.

And now I’m in a bad mood, cranky at myself for even entertaining these ideas when there are millions of people all around the world like me who get carried away with the silly thoughts in their head sometimes. 

Hot tip for young players: caffeine and high amounts of sugar is the devil for anxiety. Well for me personally, it fucks me up. Sorry Mum if you read this I know you hate me swearing but sometimes there’s no other way to describe anxiety and the effects it has on you. Sometimes when I’m feeling this way I’ll have a glass of wine to calm me down, and mostly to make me sleepy so I can just go to bed and drift out of consciousness for a few hours. Disclaimer alcohol is definitely not the answer, so don’t do that. It’s an easy option but not the most responsible or long term solution. 

Are there enough meds in the world to stop me from going crazy? Could I get hypnotized or something? Does anyone else ever feel like this? Is it just all part of being an adult that sometimes you feel like you’re losing the plot? 

If you ever feel this way or just overwhelmed by your thoughts what’s your best coping mechanism? 

One thought on “What if I’m actually crazy? 

  1. I ask myself this question pretty regularly… we bandy the term crazy so much that it almost looks glamorous…what does crazy even mean…? I’m going to continue entertaining the other voices I hear in my head now… great read…

    Liked by 2 people

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