Don’t be stupid, I’m not depressed…

Is what I scoffed at my best friend when she suggested that I might be. Depression is for people who want to die, I’m the opposite so how could I be, right?

It was in the food court of a shopping centre on an idle Thursday that I came to the realisation that I might actually be depressed. Most of my life revolves around thoughts of dying, the discomfort of some hideous disease taking me out or not being able to breathe that I don’t have the headspace for pondering what actually happens after you die. Most people react with a completely normal response like ‘who cares? I’ll be dead so I wont know’ God I’m jealous of those people! Like actually really jealous, how can it be fair that I spend my life in a constant panic, and others around me don’t even bat an eyelid at the thought of dying?

Sometimes the panic of dying/going crazy actually depresses me to the point where I think, at least if I was dead then I wouldn’t feel this shitty all the time. Obviously I would never bump myself off – that would be counter productive to worrying I am going to die, and obviously if you’re reading this and ever have suicidal thoughts call lifeline etc. Anyway, cause I’m selfish back to me. So should I go back to my doc and up my meds by 5mg? Everytime I hit a bit of a hard slog I can’t go and increase my dose of Lexapro, I’d be on the worlds highest dose in a few months! But honestly, I just have never had any luck with shrinks and don’t really see any other options.

Has anyone else been in this situation? So scared of dying and given that it’s inevitable being in a state of constant depression at the thought of it? Like, I’m only in my twenties, so realistically unless I (God forbid) end up in a horrific accident I shouldn’t need to worry about death for many years but what happens when you’re in your eighties? Do you wake up everyday wondering if that’s the day you’re going to kick the bucket? Or do you come to accept it by that stage of your life?

Surely this can’t be it? You can’t just live for 80 years, die and then that be that? There has to be something afterwards right? Or is that just what stories and religion tells us so we wander around this earth blissfully unaware that it could all be for nothing? If it is for nothing then why do people procreate? Why would you want to bring a child into this world only to let them know ‘enjoy yourself while you can cause you might drop dead tomorrow.’ Maybe now that Christmas is winding down the high has worn off which is what’s causing this slump in my mood.  2017 is coming to an end however so lets hope the prospect of a new beginning within the new year is enough to pep me up soon!

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