Self Sabotage

It’s 3:55pm and I just fell off my bed stretching to get my phone charger because I’m too lazy to get up and move one meter across the room. I’ve put on 25kgs in the last 12 months, drained my savings on god knows what (probably food) and just took a $10k pay cut to go to a job where; while I enjoy the environment I have no idea what I’m doing half the time which leaves me feeling like a fool.

I’m 27 I still live at home with my Mother and have absolutely nothing figured out. I’m the only person in my friendship group to not own my own house, I don’t have a ‘career’ and when I look back on my life I don’t really have that many experiences to say “Oh well I don’t have much but I’ve seen the world.” I’m kind of just existing.

I’m a dreamer, as I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before. I want to travel biannually and I want to live on a hobby farm out in the country that makes enough money to live comfortably and spend my days pottering in a garden or doing something worthwhile like working with animals. Is that too much to ask? I’m a good person, I donated to world vision for a solid two years and I don’t litter, surely that warrants me some good karma?

A girl I used to go to school with is getting $650 an hour as an escort probably only ‘working’ a couple of hours a week while I’m at an entry level job doing the 9-5 slog Monday to Friday. Judge me if you’d like but I’d switch places with her any day to be able to shower myself in Chanel and own my own apartment outright! Unfortunately I’m not worldly enough – they always want those witty educated girls who are worldly and can hold a conversation, oh and I’m probably too dud of a r**t haha!

Anyway, so I study right? I go to university to better my chances of a higher paying career so I can make the money to follow to dreams. I always say, people who complain but don’t do anything to better their situation annoy the life out of me! If you want something go for it! You want a property to live off grid and grow your own veggies and do yoga all day? Work your ass off doing two jobs for the next three to five years and you can take that plunge! So why can’t I do it myself? I always think ‘if I was this person I would totally do …[whatever it is they want to do]’ but I never have the guts to take the plunge myself! Why do I have the confidence in others around me but when it comes to my own life I just Coast along living in mediocrity wishing I had the balls to take a leap of faith?

I always said when I was with my ex that I would totally become a high class escort for 12 months while studying and make some serious cash so I could set myself up but when we broke up I backed out. I also said I’d travel abroad for 6 months and seek out new experiences, shock horror I didn’t do that either. Why? Like what is it about me that is so happy to watch friends on my insta having the time of their lives skiing and working in Canada while I sit there eating junk food wishing it could be me?!

Apparently humans self sabotage for a few reasons, we feel we’re unworthy of success or happiness – this would probably explain while 12 months later I still can’t believe that my boyfriend actually does love me and that it’s not too good to be true. We also would prefer to control our own failure rather than having it blindside us or take us by surprise. Man this is starting to sounding all too familiar!

So I’d like to hear your opinions, is it just first world problems and I need to suck it up? Or is finding your purpose in life harder than it should be?

One thought on “Self Sabotage

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