Self Sabotage

It’s 3:55pm and I just fell off my bed stretching to get my phone charger because I’m too lazy to get up and move one meter across the room. I’ve put on 25kgs in the last 12 months, drained my savings on god knows what (probably food) and just took a $10k pay cut to go to a job where; while I enjoy the environment I have no idea what I’m doing half the time which leaves me feeling like a fool.

I’m 27 I still live at home with my Mother and have absolutely nothing figured out. I’m the only person in my friendship group to not own my own house, I don’t have a ‘career’ and when I look back on my life I don’t really have that many experiences to say “Oh well I don’t have much but I’ve seen the world.” I’m kind of just existing.

I’m a dreamer, as I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before. I want to travel biannually and I want to live on a hobby farm out in the country that makes enough money to live comfortably and spend my days pottering in a garden or doing something worthwhile like working with animals. Is that too much to ask? I’m a good person, I donated to world vision for a solid two years and I don’t litter, surely that warrants me some good karma?

A girl I used to go to school with is getting $650 an hour as an escort probably only ‘working’ a couple of hours a week while I’m at an entry level job doing the 9-5 slog Monday to Friday. Judge me if you’d like but I’d switch places with her any day to be able to shower myself in Chanel and own my own apartment outright! Unfortunately I’m not worldly enough – they always want those witty educated girls who are worldly and can hold a conversation, oh and I’m probably too dud of a r**t haha!

Anyway, so I study right? I go to university to better my chances of a higher paying career so I can make the money to follow to dreams. I always say, people who complain but don’t do anything to better their situation annoy the life out of me! If you want something go for it! You want a property to live off grid and grow your own veggies and do yoga all day? Work your ass off doing two jobs for the next three to five years and you can take that plunge! So why can’t I do it myself? I always think ‘if I was this person I would totally do …[whatever it is they want to do]’ but I never have the guts to take the plunge myself! Why do I have the confidence in others around me but when it comes to my own life I just Coast along living in mediocrity wishing I had the balls to take a leap of faith?

I always said when I was with my ex that I would totally become a high class escort for 12 months while studying and make some serious cash so I could set myself up but when we broke up I backed out. I also said I’d travel abroad for 6 months and seek out new experiences, shock horror I didn’t do that either. Why? Like what is it about me that is so happy to watch friends on my insta having the time of their lives skiing and working in Canada while I sit there eating junk food wishing it could be me?!

Apparently humans self sabotage for a few reasons, we feel we’re unworthy of success or happiness – this would probably explain while 12 months later I still can’t believe that my boyfriend actually does love me and that it’s not too good to be true. We also would prefer to control our own failure rather than having it blindside us or take us by surprise. Man this is starting to sounding all too familiar!

So I’d like to hear your opinions, is it just first world problems and I need to suck it up? Or is finding your purpose in life harder than it should be?

Thoughts 

Every so often my anxiety chills out. Wild right? I can be riddled with thoughts of impending doom and then a few days later wake up and think ‘hey I haven’t worried myself sick for at least a week.’ I have no reasoning for it, maybe my meds are doing me a favour or it’s that spring is here and how can anyone not be feeling the positive vibes while the flowers are starting to blossom and the weather is warming up? Maybe it’s that instead of thinking I’m about to kick the bucket the thought that beach season is on the way and maybe I shouldn’t have spent all winter bingeing on KFC is too distracting to fit anything else in my mind! 

But seriously, it’s amazing hence no blogging in a while. Of course I’ve still been stressing about a few things – climate change is my latest fear – but the thing about my anxiety is I’m very safety in numbers based. Climate change is something that’s going to effect everyone so I think oh well we’re all in this together but getting scratched by a squirrel on vacation in New York and ending up with rabies is something that would leave me on my death bed alone (that’s a story for another time.)

When I’m not busy with my anxiety like as of late it leaves me to ponder the more important things in life. Like 5 year plans and consolidating my superannuation. I wonder if this is what it’s like to be normal? Do other people just cruise around focusing on reaching their goals because they don’t have to spend 80% of their waking hours inserting their symptoms into webmd? 

So what about goals hey? Has anyone noticed that successful people always either A. Thank God or B. Bang on about the power of positive thinking and putting your dreams out into the universe. I haven’t read The Secret, but I get the gist of it; power of positive thinking and letting the universe know what you want and eventually it will happen. Obviously there has to be some sort of work involved, I mean I want a Mercedes G-Class but I don’t think the universe is going to just drop it off on my door step after a few weeks of wishing and being really good. So how does it work? Maybe if I actually read The Secret I’d know but I was too lazy. I picture myself with a sports illustrated model type of body every night before bed but so far the universe hasn’t done that for me (revert back to my previous statement about the winter long KFC binge.) 

How does one person even stick to one set of goals? My mind changes every week. Sometimes I’d like to be filthy rich on a yacht draped in designer wear, other days I’d consider ‘rich’ as having a cute little country cottage and running my own little corner cafe. And then you have to find someone with similar goals to spend your life with, or compromise somewhat. I think it’s so easy for people to think that it’s soo much effort or financially risky to chase their dreams. Heck I have so many ideas that I would love to follow through with and become and entrepreneur, but those negative thoughts hold me back. I’m definitely a dreamer and I saw a quote by the late Hugh Hefner that read ‘Life is too short to be living someone else’s dream’ that really struck a chord with me. It made me want to quit my job on the spot and stop working for the man. Of course a few extra years working for a big corporation saving some cash is probably a better idea than quitting right now and ending up living on the streets haha! 

So that’s it, I’m giving myself 3 years to have saved some cash behind me and change my life for the better. Quit my job working for the man and do something that truly makes me happy. That’s pretty drastic I’ll admit but I’m an extremist, I’m not the type of person to have my wings clipped working for a large corporation that calls the shots on my life. But you don’t need to quit your job to be happy, little things like planning biannual over seas vacations, volunteering at an animal shelter if that’s what you want or even getting that irresponsible dream car that your wife is going to try to make you return. This life isn’t a practice run and we should all give ourselves the opportunity to live our best life. What steps are you going to take to ensure you live your best life and chase your dreams? 

9-5

Now I’m not depressed in any way, in fact I love life so much that I never want to die, ever – hence the anxiety. There’s a thousand things I want to do, places I want to see and millions of dogs throughout the world that I feel compelled to save so I don’t want to go anytime soon! 

However, the thing that does get me down is work. Most people hate their jobs right? Or do they? I was raised that you get a job and then you keep it and then that’s it. Not that I wasn’t taught to chase my dreams but they definitely weren’t the number one priority; stability and practicality were.

 The solution for being unhappy in your job is easy right? Quit and get a new one that makes you happy, sounds easier said then done. 

Now I’m not going to sit here and say what I do, nor what company I work for – I’d be out of a job by tomorrow! But I definitely work for the man and I hate it! I’m a dreamer, I have so many ideas for my own businesses and hate the idea of working in a job as a robot doing mind numbing work that is only making someone else A LOT of money. Why can’t that be me? Like I said I’ve got some great ideas, I’m a dreamer, I’m definitely not the kind of person who’s cut out to work 9-5 in an office. So is it my upbringing that tells me to stay in my sensible and secure job where I may in a few years get a promotion and afford to live comfortably until retirement or is it anxiety? 

Is it just human nature when it comes to these things to listen to the ‘what if’ inside our heads and drag ourselves to the Monday – Friday grind or am I just using my anxiety as the perfect excuse to stay safe? I do it in other aspects of my life, food that’s hit the ground, water sports and rollercoasters are examples where I use my mental health to avoid those situations. But is it really my anxiety or am I just being a wuss? 

For example a few years ago it was my hearts desire to be a jilaroo. Ridiculous right? For someone as materialistic as I am moving to the middle of no where for a very poorly paid job seems mad but it was what I was convinced was my calling. I’d search for jobs online but never apply. Eventually I told myself to ‘be realistic’ and ended my searched for farm hand jobs for good. After a 5 year stint at a very secure job was coming to an end I started to consider backpacking or even Au Pair work overseas. People leave their jobs and do that every day so why couldn’t I? Nope, I convinced myself that I was getting older and I should really get a plan up and running for my future. 

Spoiler alert, I still don’t have a plan. I may as well have done my gap year and mustered a few cattle to get it out of my system because 5 years later here I am morbidly unsatisfied with my current job and nothing to show for it. I live paycheck to paycheck because I convince myself that as a result of working in a job that makes me miserable I deserve to ‘treat myself.’ Turns out it’s not a treat if you do it every day. It’s actually called spending beyond your means. 

So what’s the deal? If what going off my collegues comments at work seem to be the norm then no one really loves their job – well apart from those handfull of social medial stars who seem to get paid for just being attractive. Do you suck it up and spend as much of your spare time on hobbies, travel and surrounding yourself with those you’re close to? Or do you take a gamble, risk your savings (or lack thereof) and secure job you have already in the hopes of becoming a successful entrepreneur and making it on your own without contributing to any evil corporations on the way?