Years after everyone else I’ve finally jumped on the bandwagon! My username is @anxious_blonde if you want to have a squiz 👀
Today I hit rock bottom, I was having a wonderful time drinking cocktails with my best girlfriends in the sun without a care in the world. When I got home and had dinner something snapped inside of me, I don’t even know what the thought was that did it but all of a sudden I was bawling, so sick of constantly thinking I’m going to die I convinced myself I’m going crazy and will end up like a mental person; either homeless or used as an example to tell children not to do drugs because they might end up like me.
Tonight I told my sisters that I need to be admitted into a psych ward because I’ve finally lost the plot and I need severe intervention. Let’s be honest, it was obviously the alcohol working as a depressant as it does and making me feel this way, and while I probably do need to go back to seeing a psych and increase my meds I probably am not at the psych ward stage.
At my worst this evening I panicked that I might need a lobotomy although apparently they’re not too popular in modern medicine. I shouldn’t carry on and say ‘poor me, why me’ but seriously, I’m a good person, I recycle, donate to charities and for two years was vegan where I’m sure I saved thousands of innocent animals. Was I a bad person in a past life and I’m being punished for it now?
Actually, not why me, why anyone? Why do over 40 million of us have anxiety? That’s not even all of the mental illnesses, just anxiety. Is it our food? Are we not working out enough or reading enough novels before bed? Is it from watching too much tv or the partying we did when we were younger? Even as a child I had the potential for mental illness, I would cut myself accidentally and ask my mother if I would die from it.
So what if I am unfixable? What if I continue on this crazy journey until I’m ninety-something in a constant battle with my head? Surely there has to be something more to life than blundering around panicking about getting the bird flu from accidentally touching a piece of bird shit while I’m washing my car by hand?
Is what I scoffed at my best friend when she suggested that I might be. Depression is for people who want to die, I’m the opposite so how could I be, right?
It was in the food court of a shopping centre on an idle Thursday that I came to the realisation that I might actually be depressed. Most of my life revolves around thoughts of dying, the discomfort of some hideous disease taking me out or not being able to breathe that I don’t have the headspace for pondering what actually happens after you die. Most people react with a completely normal response like ‘who cares? I’ll be dead so I wont know’ God I’m jealous of those people! Like actually really jealous, how can it be fair that I spend my life in a constant panic, and others around me don’t even bat an eyelid at the thought of dying?
Sometimes the panic of dying/going crazy actually depresses me to the point where I think, at least if I was dead then I wouldn’t feel this shitty all the time. Obviously I would never bump myself off – that would be counter productive to worrying I am going to die, and obviously if you’re reading this and ever have suicidal thoughts call lifeline etc. Anyway, cause I’m selfish back to me. So should I go back to my doc and up my meds by 5mg? Everytime I hit a bit of a hard slog I can’t go and increase my dose of Lexapro, I’d be on the worlds highest dose in a few months! But honestly, I just have never had any luck with shrinks and don’t really see any other options.
Has anyone else been in this situation? So scared of dying and given that it’s inevitable being in a state of constant depression at the thought of it? Like, I’m only in my twenties, so realistically unless I (God forbid) end up in a horrific accident I shouldn’t need to worry about death for many years but what happens when you’re in your eighties? Do you wake up everyday wondering if that’s the day you’re going to kick the bucket? Or do you come to accept it by that stage of your life?
Surely this can’t be it? You can’t just live for 80 years, die and then that be that? There has to be something afterwards right? Or is that just what stories and religion tells us so we wander around this earth blissfully unaware that it could all be for nothing? If it is for nothing then why do people procreate? Why would you want to bring a child into this world only to let them know ‘enjoy yourself while you can cause you might drop dead tomorrow.’ Maybe now that Christmas is winding down the high has worn off which is what’s causing this slump in my mood. 2017 is coming to an end however so lets hope the prospect of a new beginning within the new year is enough to pep me up soon!
If there’s one thing that drives my anxiety away it’s the excitement of Christmas.
I. Love. Christmas!
To me, it’s the best time of year. As an Australian it means we welcome summer and beach season, the joy of giving to your loved ones and of course… receiving presents! Anyone who says they don’t like Christmas and receiving presents is in my opinion is crazy! But some people do dread actual gift shopping, so I’ve compiled a few look books down below as a bit of holiday gift guide.
I love my meds. There I said it. No I’m not an addict or anything, half a Lexapro of a morning barely constitutes as a problem but I’ve decided I’ll never be without them again. I don’t know about anyone else but when I first got diagnosed with GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and OCD I approached my journey with the idea that I would take some meds just for a few months to take the edge off my symptoms and then once I see a psychologist slowly wean off the medication.
Easier said than done. Maybe I’m lazy or my head is really broken but I feel like psych’s just don’t work for me? I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll probably be on Lexapro forever and that doesn’t make me a bad person or a failure, just that what works for one person (seeing a psych) may not work for another.
I’ve seen my fair share of psychs, about 5 short term and one lady whom I really liked and stuck with for a while, but I find it difficult to focus on what they’re telling me or believing that their CBT method is going to magically heal me.
Probably just lazy!
But it’s weird, you open up and tell this person everything about yourself and your upbringing and all the events in your life that may have caused your mental illness and get nothing in return. They don’t tell you if they have a spouse or a dog or what they like to do on the weekends, and they act so interested in what you’re saying and speak to you like you might break at any moment. I feel like it’s in genuine, no one could possibly be interested in my obsession with checking the expiration date on every bit of food I ate when I was 9 years old and FYI I’m not going to crumble if you tell me I’m a little crazy, I already knew that 3 psych’s ago! 😂
Some people are judgy with meds, well let’s be honest people are judgy in general but especially when it comes to their medical opinions but I say fuck them, do what works best for you ✌🏼
What I classify as my ‘biggest fear’ changes pretty frequently; nuclear war, terminal illness etc but every so often I go back to a few of my personal favourites (note: not something that I actual favor) today it’s just plain and simple going crazy.
Everyone has a little crazy in them right? But I’m talking stark raving mad, ending up in an institution not knowing who I am anymore crazy.
Today for example I had too much sugar/caffeine so now I’m all jittery, I have no reason to be anxious but the very feeling of being anxious as a result of the poor food choices makes me more anxious. So I start out feeling jittery then I start feeling anxious and wondering why I’m feeling this way. I know why, but you know logic doesn’t apply to mental illness. So anyway, I start wondering ‘this isn’t normal,’ ‘why can’t I just ignore this feeling?’ And ‘a normal person would just ignore this and move on, so what if I I’m actually on the verge of losing the plot?’ Things start to snowball from there. Is this me going crazy right now? Do crazy people know they’re crazy? I know I’m probably not and that I just spend too much time alone with my thoughts allowing them to wander. I need to start running or some shit to clear that over imaginative space in my head.
And now I’m in a bad mood, cranky at myself for even entertaining these ideas when there are millions of people all around the world like me who get carried away with the silly thoughts in their head sometimes.
Hot tip for young players: caffeine and high amounts of sugar is the devil for anxiety. Well for me personally, it fucks me up. Sorry Mum if you read this I know you hate me swearing but sometimes there’s no other way to describe anxiety and the effects it has on you. Sometimes when I’m feeling this way I’ll have a glass of wine to calm me down, and mostly to make me sleepy so I can just go to bed and drift out of consciousness for a few hours. Disclaimer alcohol is definitely not the answer, so don’t do that. It’s an easy option but not the most responsible or long term solution.
Are there enough meds in the world to stop me from going crazy? Could I get hypnotized or something? Does anyone else ever feel like this? Is it just all part of being an adult that sometimes you feel like you’re losing the plot?
If you ever feel this way or just overwhelmed by your thoughts what’s your best coping mechanism?
I’ve been dating “The Anxious Blonde” for just over 10 months now and believe me it’s had its ups and downs as most relationships do. Dating this girl has changed me and how I see people with anxiety and other mental health issues.
First off, before I met this wonderful girl I never took people with anxiety seriously. I thought they were just attention seeking people that had issues with coping with every day problems and situations. I had also never dealt with someone that had anxiety and to be completely honest I tried to steer clear of them because they to me were trouble.
I like to consider myself a very laid back person, unless I have to talk to random people on the phone (I hate talking on the phone) then I hit the panic button. But I really have a laid back persona, I never make plans until last minute and when things don’t go to plan I just laugh it off and get on with it.
Now, to the bit about dating a girl with anxiety. It’s not easy, but I guess any good girlfriend isn’t easy really haha. But honestly to date someone with anxiety takes some serious patience and I thank my younger siblings for teaching me patience. It takes a fair bit of understanding and a tonne of reassurance.
Dating a girl with anxiety is like taking a nervous puppy for a walk… sometimes it’s an absolute disaster, and most of the time you both absolutely love it and have a great time. We’ve had more great times than bad, actually it’s rare that we ever have a bad time.
But when she does have anxiety attacks It’s my job to be there for her and to support her through it. The main thing is to reassure her and to make her feel like everything is going to be okay. I remember one night on our Gold Coast holiday (it was dope) we were going to this really cool cocktail bar and just before we left she had a wardrobe malfunction and couldn’t wear the intended outfit for the night. Now to me it was nothing, to her it was the end of the world. All she kept saying was “I’m not dressed pretty enough, people are going to look at me and judge me”. But being the trooper she is, we still went to that cocktail bar. I could tell when we got there that she wasn’t enjoying herself, there were all these people in nice outfits and she felt like she didn’t fit in(I thought she looked stunning, she always does) but she still tried to enjoy it for my sake but she just couldn’t deal with it. So we left and went to some quiet old Irish pub and she was a lot more comfortable there. Now it’s easy as that, yes it sucked leaving those delicious cocktails behind but there is always next time, the fact that she was now enjoying herself made it well worth it.
Now as her previous blog had a lot to do with me and how she thinks that I’m going to dump her for reasons made up in her head. I realise with her that she is a sensitive person and it’s true if I do give her a different tone of voice she hits the panic button and starts stressing out. The main thing is to be reassuring and to think about how you say things, some slight banter to you may mean something completely different to her so I guess I just try and tread lightly and not hit any triggers haha.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, dating this girl is definitely a challenge sometimes but it is the most rewarding challenge I’ve ever dealt with. The last 10 months has taught me so much about anxiety and how to deal with people that have it and that it is a real thing. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.
Over and out
The non anxious boyfriend