Self Sabotage

It’s 3:55pm and I just fell off my bed stretching to get my phone charger because I’m too lazy to get up and move one meter across the room. I’ve put on 25kgs in the last 12 months, drained my savings on god knows what (probably food) and just took a $10k pay cut to go to a job where; while I enjoy the environment I have no idea what I’m doing half the time which leaves me feeling like a fool.

I’m 27 I still live at home with my Mother and have absolutely nothing figured out. I’m the only person in my friendship group to not own my own house, I don’t have a ‘career’ and when I look back on my life I don’t really have that many experiences to say “Oh well I don’t have much but I’ve seen the world.” I’m kind of just existing.

I’m a dreamer, as I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before. I want to travel biannually and I want to live on a hobby farm out in the country that makes enough money to live comfortably and spend my days pottering in a garden or doing something worthwhile like working with animals. Is that too much to ask? I’m a good person, I donated to world vision for a solid two years and I don’t litter, surely that warrants me some good karma?

A girl I used to go to school with is getting $650 an hour as an escort probably only ‘working’ a couple of hours a week while I’m at an entry level job doing the 9-5 slog Monday to Friday. Judge me if you’d like but I’d switch places with her any day to be able to shower myself in Chanel and own my own apartment outright! Unfortunately I’m not worldly enough – they always want those witty educated girls who are worldly and can hold a conversation, oh and I’m probably too dud of a r**t haha!

Anyway, so I study right? I go to university to better my chances of a higher paying career so I can make the money to follow to dreams. I always say, people who complain but don’t do anything to better their situation annoy the life out of me! If you want something go for it! You want a property to live off grid and grow your own veggies and do yoga all day? Work your ass off doing two jobs for the next three to five years and you can take that plunge! So why can’t I do it myself? I always think ‘if I was this person I would totally do …[whatever it is they want to do]’ but I never have the guts to take the plunge myself! Why do I have the confidence in others around me but when it comes to my own life I just Coast along living in mediocrity wishing I had the balls to take a leap of faith?

I always said when I was with my ex that I would totally become a high class escort for 12 months while studying and make some serious cash so I could set myself up but when we broke up I backed out. I also said I’d travel abroad for 6 months and seek out new experiences, shock horror I didn’t do that either. Why? Like what is it about me that is so happy to watch friends on my insta having the time of their lives skiing and working in Canada while I sit there eating junk food wishing it could be me?!

Apparently humans self sabotage for a few reasons, we feel we’re unworthy of success or happiness – this would probably explain while 12 months later I still can’t believe that my boyfriend actually does love me and that it’s not too good to be true. We also would prefer to control our own failure rather than having it blindside us or take us by surprise. Man this is starting to sounding all too familiar!

So I’d like to hear your opinions, is it just first world problems and I need to suck it up? Or is finding your purpose in life harder than it should be?

Dating Someone with Anxiety – the other half to ‘The Anxious Blonde’

I’ve been dating “The Anxious Blonde” for just over 10 months now and believe me it’s had its ups and downs as most relationships do. Dating this girl has changed me and how I see people with anxiety and other mental health issues.
First off, before I met this wonderful girl I never took people with anxiety seriously. I thought they were just attention seeking people that had issues with coping with every day problems and situations. I had also never dealt with someone that had anxiety and to be completely honest I tried to steer clear of them because they to me were trouble. 
I like to consider myself a very laid back person, unless I have to talk to random people on the phone (I hate talking on the phone) then I hit the panic button. But I really have a laid back persona, I never make plans until last minute and when things don’t go to plan I just laugh it off and get on with it.
Now, to the bit about dating a girl with anxiety. It’s not easy, but I guess any good girlfriend isn’t easy really haha. But honestly to date someone with anxiety takes some serious patience and I thank my younger siblings for teaching me patience. It takes a fair bit of understanding and a tonne of reassurance. 

Dating a girl with anxiety is like taking a nervous puppy for a walk… sometimes it’s an absolute disaster, and most of the time you both absolutely love it and have a great time. We’ve had more great times than bad, actually it’s rare that we ever have a bad time.

But when she does have anxiety attacks It’s my job to be there for her and to support her through it. The main thing is to reassure her and to make her feel like everything is going to be okay. I remember one night on our Gold Coast holiday (it was dope) we were going to this really cool cocktail bar and just before we left she had a wardrobe malfunction and couldn’t wear the intended outfit for the night. Now to me it was nothing, to her it was the end of the world. All she kept saying was “I’m not dressed pretty enough, people are going to look at me and judge me”. But being the trooper she is, we still went to that cocktail bar. I could tell when we got there that she wasn’t enjoying herself, there were all these people in nice outfits and she felt like she didn’t fit in(I thought she looked stunning, she always does) but she still tried to enjoy it for my sake but she just couldn’t deal with it. So we left and went to some quiet old Irish pub and she was a lot more comfortable there. Now it’s easy as that, yes it sucked leaving those delicious cocktails behind but there is always next time, the fact that she was now enjoying herself made it well worth it. 

Now as her previous blog had a lot to do with me and how she thinks that I’m going to dump her for reasons made up in her head. I realise with her that she is a sensitive person and it’s true if I do give her a different tone of voice she hits the panic button and starts stressing out. The main thing is to be reassuring and to think about how you say things, some slight banter to you may mean something completely different to her so I guess I just try and tread lightly and not hit any triggers haha. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, dating this girl is definitely a challenge sometimes but it is the most rewarding challenge I’ve ever dealt with. The last 10 months has taught me so much about anxiety and how to deal with people that have it and that it is a real thing. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. 

Over and out

The non anxious boyfriend 

Anxiety & Dating

So anxiety sucks, obviously. But I haven’t really talked about how it effects the people around me, for example my boyfriend. God that boy needs a medal for putting up with me! I mean my family does too but they don’t really have a choice they’re stuck to me like a barnacle. 

Have you seen that meme? The ‘are you dating me cause you like me or as a friend?’ That’s me in a nutshell. Everything is amazing, and then I might notice a small twitch in my boyfriend’s mouth which will send my mind off in a whirl ‘was that a frown? I think it was, well if he’s frowning he’s unhappy. He must want to dump me, oh God I’m going to die alone’ and so on and so forth. It sounds absolutely mental right? Yep it is and I’ll be the first to admit it. I used to hear friends talk about the same thing before I was partnered up and I would think dead set get a grip how stupid, why don’t they worry about something worthwhile like dying? And here I am, spoke too soon! 

Most men don’t stay with women they’re not interested in, and logically I know mine wouldn’t, but there’s just something in my brain that can detect the slightest change of tone in his voice and imagine it’s all about to be over red rover. Ironically though, the thing that would be likely to end a perfectly normal functioning relationship would be the annoyance of your significant other constantly questioning if you still love them! 

Unfortunately for me (and my boyfriend) anxiety doesn’t entertain logic, but I have heard many people say ‘if she isn’t crazy she doesn’t love you.’